I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
