hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
