Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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