Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize