i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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