Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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