i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
