I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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