Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
