my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
