im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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