dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
