She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
