I molested 6 butterflies tonight
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
