The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
