I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
