please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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