I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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