I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize