i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
