just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
