Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
