I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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