May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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