how can u be prego again
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
