we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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