Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
