last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize