I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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