I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
