I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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