my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize