just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He passed out mid-signature
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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