I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
