DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
