I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
