I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
