Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
