you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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