I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
