Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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