i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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