We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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