Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize