I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize