Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
