Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
