these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
A bitchslap is in order.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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