First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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