My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
