this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
