found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
