Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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