I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
