Kiss
Puke
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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